Digital Reads Reviews

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I read a book, a book which was fiction but based on something which is a reality, sometimes evident, but most times hidden. Sometimes, we see it yet we pretend not to see it, and sometimes, the few bold humans take action against it, sometimes for themselves and sometimes for others. 

This truth of life is a global phenomenon, it captures any age, any educational status, any economic status. It arises from a primitive thought which in some people, even the highest education does not abolish. Sometimes it is passed from generation to generation gaining momentum and never losing its capacity to destroy everything in its wake. 
But the basic plot rests on domestic violence. It’s not only the physical but the emotional intimidation and threats. The pain of the constant attack of one’s self esteem is felt at a physical level and is as bad as getting hit at all levels, physical, emotional, and mental strength. 

It sucks the self confidence and leaves a woman, dry as a husk, thereby leading to wrong decisions. I have seen by friends abusing their wives verbally, I have seen the wives taking it as due. I have seen the coldness extending to the children and I wonder why??? 

This book made me think as to why women stay with their abusers?? Is it because we become scared as time goes on, is it because abuse becomes our comfort zone or is it because it is always better to stick to a known enemy. 

Have I been abused?? Yes unfortunately I have… 

Did I realize I was being abused, when I was a child, no and as an adult, yes

Then why did I stay with such a man- that’s simple to answer, I blamed myself for the man showing his abusing facet. 

Why didn’t I leave him- partly because of the indian society, my parents’ expectations and their respect in the society but largely because I didn’t want to give up. If I have made my man into a person who threats, which is  totally way off for him, then I can unmake him too, at least that was the belief I had so I stayed 

Luckily he realized what he was turning into and what our relationship was becoming and took a stand to part but stay as friends. 

Am I responsible in any way – yes, I still believe so, coz I pushed and pushed him to be something he wasn’t and something he didn’t want to be. 

Was I an abuser then, yes I believe so. I did use my tears to get my work done. I did make my fears of unknown make me into a person unknown to me. 

Why do we play these games and will we ever stop playing such power games?

Are such games a part of abuse or would you call only intimidation and threats and physical trauma an abuse?

I don’t want judgements on this post. I don’t want what should be and could be. I want an honest opening up of emotions. It is fine, if you can’t open up to have a discussion 

I opened up and put forth my thoughts. 

The darker parts of abuse are still what nightmares are made up of, so I am still not ready to open that box. 

This is about the equation in relationships… 

43 Responses

  1. Interesting perspective. It’s an unfamiliar territory for me personally, so not sure I am really qualified to say much. Your open point of view is refreshing to look at everything and decide how it happened, how to prevent it, how to move forward. It’s awful to have to deal with it, beyond awful truly, but the after effect is probably far worse, I imagine. Being able to cope and push thru the change and re-building is important. Brave post.

    1. Nath.. I understand what you are trying to say. But as you see more of life you will understand my post more. It’s all easy to say and when reality comes, circumstances are different. But I know what you mean, don’t tolerate in the first place itself. Yes people should try that

  2. I recently finished a book by Karen Rose called Don’t Tell and it was about a woman who got into a relationship when she was 15 and was physically and emotionally abused pretty much the whole relationship. She ended up faking her and the child’s death to get away because her subtle crys for help were going unheeded. She started a new life but still had problems believing life could be happy and that she could be her own person after all of that. Even her child was having problems. People don’t want to talk about things like this because it’s admitting that such things like this exist and people just don’t want to do that. I think it takes a strong person to endure abuse even if deep down they don’t want to but it takes an even stronger person to admit that its a real problem and take the steps to get away from it. I’m glad your other at the time realized what he was doing and took steps to change including leaving you. Not many people are that lucky. Power is like a vampire. It sucks souls away and the mentality ends up being play the game to win or you die. Harsh reality. (Sorry long comment.)

    1. I agree totally Nel, totally. I could escape my adult relationship with minimal scarring luckily. There are so many who can’t. Recently I have seen my best friends giving verbal abuse /physical abuse and women taking it. Highly educated people. I can’t just write about them without writing about me it would be wrong. Thank you for understanding and writing it so beautifully in this comment. I totally get you

  3. I don’t want to say anything about you or your friends, I was not at your place so I don’t think I can comment on that.
    For me, I don’t have that in me, to tolerate something that i don’t like that I feel wrong. Many time you’ll see me saying in my reviews “I was yelling at character because that character was not standing up for itself”. I’m mostly the same. I answer right back depending on person whom I’m talking to and depending on the intensity it hurt me. This is the one thing India or anywhere else needs to change. what is wrong is wrong it doesn’t matter it was done by male or female, younger or elder, higher ranked or lower. This is one thing my parents taught me since childhood, never afraid to stand up for yourself and that I’m proud of having in me. yes i do consider feeling of others but I will say what is necessary and required against wrong. Whenever I see strong female character in the book I feel always related to her.

    1. Thank you I understand, I am glad you have the strength to stand up and fight. Many of us don’t have and I was also in something of that kind of situation. I am pretty loud mouthed and all that but sometimes I feel I couldn’t see the situation I was too close.. Hope I could explain my situation. But I am glad I could and I am happy to meet a strong woman like you

      1. Speaking your mind is not bad thing at least you are not like those who say in nice and sweet mannered tongue and at the same time boiling poison in heart. Yes It may hurt feelings and sometimes need to control depending on situation. But if blows are coming hard on you then I say don’t control, never. The person in front of you need to know that you can strike back.

  4. Hiii…wow post…everyone has different perspective and conditions…I guess most of it is they are afraid….afraid to be out in the open…I wish humans had the power to show what they are feeling…I am sure many bad things would stop, if they knew what other was feeling at the moment!

    Keep up the great work.

  5. I love the posts that are you. No excuses. No mincing of words. Just raw and real and honest and you. Domestic violence is a silent epidemic, but it’s a taboo topic for those who are in it. I’ve seen many friends hint at it (or flat out say that they are experiencing it), but then justify why it just isn’t that much of a problem. But it is.
    You are so brave dear friend. I am proud of your strength, and I am immensely grateful for the way you always remind me to be honest with myself and others. Leave the fear behind. Speak my truth. You are amazing darling. ❤️ Joanna

    1. Aaah thank you Jo, I have also realised not many like this topic, as most are too scared that it shows a mirror of their relationships. Power games exist it’s only when it crosses a line that it becomes abuse. I was reading a novel with the backdrop of domestic abuse and that got me thinking, then it got me into my past. Things way into the past need to be said but they are horrors of another time, things in the adult past could be said. I don’t hold anyone to blame in my relationship but luckily I could get away with minimal damage to my psyche. Hope women and men all over realise and take steps to avoid being abused. I just wanted to show that sometimes it is so insidious that we realize only when it is too late. And then we are kind of stuck

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